New Year, new… Nevermind

 Well, I am focusing on myself.  However, the last few weeks, while it hasn’t stopped me, has brought less focus on that specifically.  My goal is to lose 5lbs/month until we leave for a cruise in December of 2025.  I’ve successfully lost 12 lbs since after Thanksgiving.  However, a week ago we learned my sister-in-law, my brother’s wife, suddenly left this world.  No words are enough to the questions that now remain.  She IS like a sister to me, because my brother has known her since High School.  My niece is 10, a birthday coming next week and she gets this…

I am nowhere near where my brother is on emotion, questions and having to return to life.  I get that.  

I do have so many questions.  Why was it so selfish to think this was the only answer?  Why did you feel you were so alone to the point you couldn’t say or do anything other than this?  If the ‘reasons’ you left are the ‘reasons’ used to excuse this, why not just face the music?

1. I fully understand I’ll never get the answers I’m looking for.  And I also understand these are my questions, my thoughts and not hers or her justifications to her actions.  I’m not wanting to paint a bad picture here to who she is or that I think she was weak for what she did.  Everyone grieves and in my grief I want to understand, knowing that I’ll never get to.  So that’s why I’m angry.  I’m angry because we won’t ever understand and we’re left with more questions than solutions.

2. My sister-in-law was very knowledgeable and strong on the outside.  I admired this, as she could put up with my brother and his shenanigans willingly.  I have to put up with him -he is my brother. She opted to and put him in line when he didn’t behave.  

3.  She’s good with kids and her own.  She always was fun to be around in the eyes of a kid.  She made it fun and worth it.  So much patience and shared time.  

I’m sure there is more to put here, but I’m really tired.  Yesterday was the funeral so that was on my mind, plus 24 hrs of Daytona and a lot was spent awake watching that.  Not to mention getting up early for church and not really having much of a nap anytime today.  

I know I have my thoughts on suicide and what I think it means when someone does such an act.  I think though in light of it being so close to home, it’s time we stop pretending to talk about things and start doing actions.  If someone is having a problem, we need to talk about it or make sure they get help.  Now in this case, we don’t know if that would have changed anything here - again, so many questions remain.   I think though it is important to walk away from this learning something or at the very least changing who you are in the light of what they were.  Yes, I thought suicide as cowardly and selfish.  It hurts me to say that when it’s your own family.  But was she?  Normally I’d say anything but - so let me eat my words by saying it’s important to be mindful of everyone.  What may be a simple fix for me, may not be so simple to just anyone.  It’s time to be accepting of their thoughts and feelings and just be there for them when they need it.  It may be just that simple.